Keep Running

Sooo...I'm in the process of training for a race that's coming up in less than a week. Am I ready? PSSSHT not at all. I'm kind of hoping that I surprise myself when the day comes, because as of right now I'm not sure I'll be able to finish without dying or collapsing.

As crazy as it sounds, this whole "running" situation perfectly reflects what is going on in my life at the moment. You know how when you're a mile into a run and all of a sudden you feel like you can't keep going? Like when the seconds feel like eternities and your blasting music can no longer fuel your energy drive? That's how I've been feeling lately and that's probably why I haven't been blogging in all honesty.

It's so weird. You start off running with so much energy, I personally love the beginning because I feel like I'm flying, like I'm unstoppable. But then you have to start slowing down because you're overcome with a wave of exhaustion. It's almost inevitable. It's the part I dread the most because it takes every fiber of my being to keep going. I have to tell myself things that help me stay focused; I have to give myself a reason to not simply stop and give up.

This semester, I started off SO strong. I felt great. I felt unstoppable, the same way I feel when I start running. But now I'm stuck in between mile 2 and 3. I don't even know why I feel like this. At least when you're running, you know why you feel burned out...like maybe because you're depleting all the energy stores in your body? Yeah, makes sense. But how do you feel burned out in life? How does simply living have the tendency to squeeze the energy out of you and take along with it your motivation and happiness?

Here's why. People can be so mean sometimes. You start feeling disappointed more often. You spend your time building up your self-esteem and your overall view of yourself, only to have 1 comment by another person destroy it. The worst part is that these little comments should not have any affect on us, they don't deserve to. But they do.

I've been spending my time trying to look at the good in people and in the world. And I've found that it has become one of my biggest challenges. Whether it's the comment a worker makes while I'm volunteering or even unexplained silence between two people who used to be friends. You start to feel like you're not worth anything and that you're not human anymore. Like what gives another person the right to treat another person badly? The truth is, nothing does.

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely guilty of treating people badly too. I'm not saying that I'm perfect at all. But it just seems like lately I just can't catch a break. I'll wake up in the morning, excited for the day, only to have someone slam my hopes down. It's just been one thing after another lately. Sometimes people are so focused on furthering themselves that they don't care who they hurt in the process. It's like my feelings don't exist; I'm some robotic being that has absolutely no emotions.

What I'm trying to get at is that people should be treated well. All the time. No one is beneath you or is not worth your kindness. You know why? They're busy running races themselves. You don't even know where they are in their race. They could be at the beginning, just starting their run and feeling like they're on top of the world. They could be at the end, just reaching their victory. And then, they could be in the middle of it, when their legs start to feel ten times heavier, when breathing starts to become harder, and when finishing the race seems impossible. I feel like a majority of people fall into this last category. Some people are tired, hopeless, and simply going through the motions in order to sustain themselves. So just try to treat people well, because you never know where they are. You don't even know the impact a nice gesture could have on them. It could be enough of a push to encourage them to keep going and not give up.

I hit 1.7 miles today on my run and just felt drained. Like all of a sudden I had absolutely no energy. I tried to think about motivational quotes, tried to focus on my music, tried to think of things that would give me motivation. And nothing worked. But then I prayed. Yeah, I actually prayed about finishing my run and not giving up. This was kind of big for me because as of late, I just haven't been relying on God. I had myself convinced that I could take care of myself. But in the last couple of days I've realized that I'm just not strong enough. I'm not capable of being everything.

So I legit prayed while running. I just asked God for strength to continue on. To get me to mile 2 and not let me give up. And I know, you're probably thinking, "yayyyy, you made it to mile 2, big deal." But I know that I didn't make it to mile 2 on my own. I needed help.

Sometimes I forget that I can't do everything. I make myself believe that I alone can make things happen for myself and that I don't need God's help in any of it. But the last few days have shown me just how broken and human I am. I really do need God and I've realized that I am happiest when I'm close to God and walk with Him. I'm just so much happier with Him than I am alone.

He gives me the strength to continue my race and the desire to never give up. I've needed Him so much these last few weeks and all I did was push Him away. But then it hits you like a slap in the face, that He is good and He cares so much more for you than you can imagine. I guess I just forget that. But I don't want to forget anymore. I need His love.

I need Him to help me finish this run. I need him to run beside me and encourage me when I feel like I can't do it anymore. I just need Him. And that's all I really know for sure.