Little Things

So I just came back from Community group and I have so many thoughts and feelings, it's crazy. The message was great, but what I really took out of it and what really affected me was praying with one of girls I helped lead last semester.

I asked her if she had any prayer requests and just what was going on in her life that maybe she needed support on or just wanted to talk about. It was so cool because her prayer requests were literally the same as mine and she was struggling with almost the same things I'm struggling with. It's so relieving to know that you're not the only one going through something and that someone else is also feeling discouraged and disappointed in almost everything.

That brings me to what I wanna bring up. I'm a perfectionist; I strive for 100% in everything and try to act like I have everything in my life together.

REALITY CHECK: I definitely don't have everything together.

I'm literally a mess. Most of the time I can clean it up enough to make it look like I'm completely fine, but there are times where little comments send me over the edge or pop the balloon I've so delicately placed around myself. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in regards to happiness. Sometimes I feel great, like I know exactly what I'm doing. Other times, not so much. For example, today. I was just walking to my Physiology exam this morning with some friends. As we were walking, we were also discussing the exam material and asking any last minute questions we had. My friend then asked some of the most complicated, irrelevant questions regarding the material. I don't even know why, but I snapped because for a split second I was questioning how well I knew the material and was entirely confused. I just got so angry that I was confused and that I felt like I didn't have a grip on what I was about to take an exam on.

This exam stressed me out so much. Not only is this class known for being one of the hardest classes at my school, it's a pre-requisite for my major. So the pressure's on to get an A. So I had all this pressure on me, I wasn't sleeping at all because I was so nervous, and then my friend asked questions that were SO confusing and way beyond the scope of the class.

I don't know why, I just completely snapped.

I'm not an aggressive person and I don't find pleasure in hurting people. But for 1 second it was like I was no longer myself and let things slip out of my mouth that just weren't right. I've just been feeling like this since the semester started - like one little thing can make or break my day.

I've just been so discouraged lately with almost everything. The thing that's been bothering me the most is just one of my closest relationships. Everything was great a year ago. I knew that I found my best friend. But lately it's just been so hard. I feel like no matter how hard I pray or how hard I try to make things work, I'm fighting an uphill battle. I feel so helpless and even though I'm probably not the only one trying to make an effort, it's how I feel. I feel so alone in how I feel too.

I feel like one of my best friends is now just a stranger to me. Like I just don't connect to her the way I used to. I mean, we used to be inseparable and now we can go a whole week without seeing each other. In my mind, it shouldn't be like that. It bothers me when we go a day without even talking. But the fact that going a day without talking bothers me actually comforts me. Because once it stops bothering you, it means you've become numb. It means that you no longer care.

And I don't ever want to stop caring.

But that's my side, I can't speak for the other side. I just want to have my best friend back - the one I called to come pick me up when my roommate had her boyfriend sleep over, the one who made ridiculous lip sync videos with me at like 2 in the morning, the one who would call me at 9pm to tell me we were spontaneously going to run a 5K at midnight, the one who made me feel like I was the coolest person in the world. Words cannot describe how much I miss being the only one who would know something so personal and feeling like I was so irreplaceable because I was the only one they could talk to about a problem. I miss being the go-to.

So that's what I've been struggling with. Relationships can get way too complicated and I'm so tired of being let down. I want to feel like a irreplaceable again. I want to feel like I can call my best friend no matter what time it is, no matter where we are. I want it all back, but I just don't know how to get it back.

I'm just so discouraged. Things just aren't going how I thought they would. Not only is this friendship on my mind, my acceptance to Nursing School is on my mind. The fact that my dog has cancer and is progressively getting worse is on my mind. The fact that my sister might be going to a different college than me is on my mind. The fact that sometimes me and her are so distant is on my mind. The fact that for once, the only thing that could make me feel good again or not so tense is a drink. The fact that I've almost completely given up on ever finding a guy to share the rest of my life with is on my mind. The fact that half the time I don't even feel good enough for anyone is on my mind. My mind is too loud for me to concentrate on the things that should really matter, you know? I need it to be silent for just a little while so I can go back to who I used to be, find the real me underneath all the pressure, worry, and disappointment.

Relying on the Lord is so tough during these times, but it's really the only thing you can do. Even when you don't feel like a priority or important, you know that God makes you his biggest priority and loves you more than words can say. That gives me comfort tonight. It doesn't silent my mind right now, but it gives me some clarity in the confusion. It's okay to be discouraged sometimes, because it can be used to drive you forward to keep trying. I'm praying that this valley will soon turn into a mountaintop and that all my worries and fears will become part of the past.

Until then, I'm putting my trust in the Lord.