Little Things

So I just came back from Community group and I have so many thoughts and feelings, it's crazy. The message was great, but what I really took out of it and what really affected me was praying with one of girls I helped lead last semester.

I asked her if she had any prayer requests and just what was going on in her life that maybe she needed support on or just wanted to talk about. It was so cool because her prayer requests were literally the same as mine and she was struggling with almost the same things I'm struggling with. It's so relieving to know that you're not the only one going through something and that someone else is also feeling discouraged and disappointed in almost everything.

That brings me to what I wanna bring up. I'm a perfectionist; I strive for 100% in everything and try to act like I have everything in my life together.

REALITY CHECK: I definitely don't have everything together.

I'm literally a mess. Most of the time I can clean it up enough to make it look like I'm completely fine, but there are times where little comments send me over the edge or pop the balloon I've so delicately placed around myself. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in regards to happiness. Sometimes I feel great, like I know exactly what I'm doing. Other times, not so much. For example, today. I was just walking to my Physiology exam this morning with some friends. As we were walking, we were also discussing the exam material and asking any last minute questions we had. My friend then asked some of the most complicated, irrelevant questions regarding the material. I don't even know why, but I snapped because for a split second I was questioning how well I knew the material and was entirely confused. I just got so angry that I was confused and that I felt like I didn't have a grip on what I was about to take an exam on.

This exam stressed me out so much. Not only is this class known for being one of the hardest classes at my school, it's a pre-requisite for my major. So the pressure's on to get an A. So I had all this pressure on me, I wasn't sleeping at all because I was so nervous, and then my friend asked questions that were SO confusing and way beyond the scope of the class.

I don't know why, I just completely snapped.

I'm not an aggressive person and I don't find pleasure in hurting people. But for 1 second it was like I was no longer myself and let things slip out of my mouth that just weren't right. I've just been feeling like this since the semester started - like one little thing can make or break my day.

I've just been so discouraged lately with almost everything. The thing that's been bothering me the most is just one of my closest relationships. Everything was great a year ago. I knew that I found my best friend. But lately it's just been so hard. I feel like no matter how hard I pray or how hard I try to make things work, I'm fighting an uphill battle. I feel so helpless and even though I'm probably not the only one trying to make an effort, it's how I feel. I feel so alone in how I feel too.

I feel like one of my best friends is now just a stranger to me. Like I just don't connect to her the way I used to. I mean, we used to be inseparable and now we can go a whole week without seeing each other. In my mind, it shouldn't be like that. It bothers me when we go a day without even talking. But the fact that going a day without talking bothers me actually comforts me. Because once it stops bothering you, it means you've become numb. It means that you no longer care.

And I don't ever want to stop caring.

But that's my side, I can't speak for the other side. I just want to have my best friend back - the one I called to come pick me up when my roommate had her boyfriend sleep over, the one who made ridiculous lip sync videos with me at like 2 in the morning, the one who would call me at 9pm to tell me we were spontaneously going to run a 5K at midnight, the one who made me feel like I was the coolest person in the world. Words cannot describe how much I miss being the only one who would know something so personal and feeling like I was so irreplaceable because I was the only one they could talk to about a problem. I miss being the go-to.

So that's what I've been struggling with. Relationships can get way too complicated and I'm so tired of being let down. I want to feel like a irreplaceable again. I want to feel like I can call my best friend no matter what time it is, no matter where we are. I want it all back, but I just don't know how to get it back.

I'm just so discouraged. Things just aren't going how I thought they would. Not only is this friendship on my mind, my acceptance to Nursing School is on my mind. The fact that my dog has cancer and is progressively getting worse is on my mind. The fact that my sister might be going to a different college than me is on my mind. The fact that sometimes me and her are so distant is on my mind. The fact that for once, the only thing that could make me feel good again or not so tense is a drink. The fact that I've almost completely given up on ever finding a guy to share the rest of my life with is on my mind. The fact that half the time I don't even feel good enough for anyone is on my mind. My mind is too loud for me to concentrate on the things that should really matter, you know? I need it to be silent for just a little while so I can go back to who I used to be, find the real me underneath all the pressure, worry, and disappointment.

Relying on the Lord is so tough during these times, but it's really the only thing you can do. Even when you don't feel like a priority or important, you know that God makes you his biggest priority and loves you more than words can say. That gives me comfort tonight. It doesn't silent my mind right now, but it gives me some clarity in the confusion. It's okay to be discouraged sometimes, because it can be used to drive you forward to keep trying. I'm praying that this valley will soon turn into a mountaintop and that all my worries and fears will become part of the past.

Until then, I'm putting my trust in the Lord.

Trust

Trust
n. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

My definition?

Trust: to be able to give your heart to someone you know will protect it; relying on someone to take care of your most vital possession without the fear of them breaking it.

I went to Passion 2013 in Atlanta and absolutely loved Francis Chan's message on trust and faithfulness. A message has never hit me so hard. He was basically preaching everything I was struggling with and gave me the solution to it all in less than an hour. 

Trust and faithfulness have been the 2 things I've struggled with this past year. For me, it was trusting others because I couldn't believe in their faithfulness. It's like, it's so easy for me to trust someone once they've been faithful for a long time, but once they mess up once, I can't trust them at all. Trust is almost all or nothing. You either trust someone or you don't. Because even if you're iffy on whether or not you trust someone, that's not real trust then is it? 

Francis Chan was saying how the only things you can ever trust in this world are God's promises and his faithfulness to the people who love him. No matter what happens between your friends, your family, or even people you rarely talk to, God is the only person you can trust. His promises have remained constant for the past 2000+ years, they haven't wavered in time or been altered to conform to the beliefs of current times. 

This is so comforting to me because days like today make me feel like I can trust no one unless they're my family. Sometimes I feel like I give people so much and I don't get anything back in return. It's like I try too hard to keep things going, but sometimes you can't keep things going without the other people involved helping as well. I don't even know, maybe it's just one of those days or something. Maybe I'm being oversensitive or I'm giving up too easily. I just feel like I'm worth fighting for and I'm so tired of fighting for other people. I'm discouraged because trusting others is getting so hard for me. It's just so hard to trust people when you feel like they aren't faithful to you.

When I say faithful, I don't mean like the marriage type. Like being cheated on. I mean faithfulness in the sense of loyalty to a friendship or relationship. Like seeing that one of your friends is making the same amount of effort to keep your relationship strong as you are. Like trusting that no matter what, your friend will stick up for you no matter the cost. 

But relationships are going to experience lows occasionally and some may even end altogether. It's because we're human. We get jealous, we get mad, we get bitter. We find it hard to forgive and nearly impossible to forget. We're unfailingly imperfect people.

Then Francis Chan brought up unfaithfulness in the sense of marriage or romance. He was saying that if his wife cheated on him, he'd be destroyed. He has been married for more than 10 years and if his wife cheated on him just one time, it's like those 10+ years become tainted. It's like one mistake can destroy 10+ years of trust. He'd feel absolutely helpless and betrayed; he would probably want to seek revenge and make her feel as bad as she made him feel. I can understand completely what that feels like. But then he turned the table and talked about if we cheated on God (which we do ALL the time). He was saying that God would still fight for you. You could go on a cheating spree and God would still want YOU. God's overwhelming love for you overpowers the betrayal, the anger, and the hurt. Cheating on you back doesn't even cross his mind because he loves you way too much to hurt you.

He would never stop fighting for you.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is the true definition of trust. No matter what you do to upset God, he will never stop fighting for you and your love. You can have "firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character" of Christ. Because he's never changed. He's been the same all through the ages. He's always been fighting for you and will never stop. 

So that gives me peace tonight. I don't know where some of my most important relationships stand right now in this moment. I don't know if everything in them will be fixed or if things will ever be the same. But I do know that tonight and forever I can put all my trust in Christ, because he is faithful. People fail you and you fail people. You even fail Christ. But the beauty comes from the solid fact that he will never fail you. And that makes me so happy tonight. I can put my faith and my trust in the God I live my life for, the God I know will never leave me, the God who has the best plan for me and my life. 

When you feel like friends stop fighting for you, you just have to remember that God never will. And trust me, that makes you feel a lot better. :)