slow motion

So today I witnessed something absolutely unbelievable.

We were driving on a two lane road, after spending hours delivering Meals on Wheels and making wrong turns left and right with two other nursing students.

Ironically, I made a wrong turn on this two lane road I'm talking about. It was the theme of our afternoon apparently. So we're just driving in our lane, which was separated from the lane going in the opposite direction by a double yellow line. All of a sudden, a car two cars ahead of us in our lane drifts over to the left, crossing the double yellow line. As he crosses the line, he drives head on into oncoming traffic causing the cars to swerve out of the way in multiple directions. As he continues drifting to the left, he eventually crosses over the lane with the oncoming traffic, and into the grass. 

Going full speed.

Then all we saw was this car, going straight down the side of the road on land that was steeply leading to the bottom of a ditch. As we kept driving, eventually the car disappeared. It went straight for the bottom of the ditch, but didn't come out.

I pulled over the first chance I got. I told the nursing student sitting in my passenger seat to call 911, as I grabbed the "emergency pack" I kept in my car and headed for the accident scene. I had to stop oncoming traffic so that I could cross the road to see where the car went. I probably looked absolutely ridiculous but it didn't matter in the moment. A bunch of other cars had witnessed this accident with us so there were about 10 other cars stopped on the side of the road. 

It's hard to describe in words exactly how the accident happened because it's one of those situations you just needed to be there to see in order to completely understand. The ditch he got stuck in was about 15 feet below the road, as the road kind of formed a bridge over a tiny river that went under the road. Like I said, just really hard to explain. All that really matters is that this guy went full speed down a 15 foot steep hill after crossing over into oncoming traffic and came to a complete stop once he hit the bottom of the slope.

As I ran to the scene, one thing hit my senses before anything else. The car was smoking from 15 feet below. 

Some brave souls ran down that slope to make sure the guy was okay. I was hesitant at first due to the smoke, and because I wasn't entirely sure what I needed to prepare myself for.

After about a minute waiting for someone to give us some sort of sign of the condition of the man, I saw one of them give us all a thumbs up. I was talking to a few other people who had stopped about what was going on and we were all so relieved to see this sign of optimism. 

One of the guys who went down to the car called out for a nurse.

Yeah, for real. I didn't know what to do at first. The little nursing student in me wanted to help, but at the same time I didn't know if I was educated enough or skilled enough to even attempt at whatever was going on down there. 

But I said it anyways. "I'm a nursing student. I can help." So the guy waved for me to come down and see what was going on. I was so nervous, I feel like I just tripped down the slope on the way to the car just because my legs were shaking so bad and didn't feel like part of my own body.

Once I got down there, one of the other bystanders said she was a nurse so she came down a little later. Made me feel so much better. 

When I finally made it down the slope (which, let's be real I didn't think I would be able to due to my wobbly legs), I made my way to the driver's side of the car. Another lady was already there, talking to the older man and keeping him oriented. I finally got there and immediately started assessing him and what kind of condition he was in. Going into it, I honestly thought it was going to be gruesome and probably too much for me to handle. But to my surprise, he was okay. 

THIS GUY WAS OKAY.

It took me a few seconds to just understand that despite the accident, this guy was okay. I mean, he was alive, and breathing, and talking, and his heart was beating.

While watching this accident when it was first happened, it appeared as though the driver had fallen asleep, lost consciousness, or had some sort of seizure that caused him to drift to the left and off the road.

But when I saw this man, he was awake. I'm not sure exactly what happened to cause him to drive off the road and into the muddy ditch, whether he lost consciousness, had a heart attack, or had a stroke.

When I assessed him, he was visibly drenched in sweat. He was confused and not orientated to where he was or what had happened. These are all things to be concerned about, but I knew these were things that would be explored further by doctors and nurses when he got to a nearby hospital. But for right now, in my eyes, he was okay.

He was so scared, and so confused, and so shaken. But the lady next to me talked him through everything, told him was okay and that he didn't hurt anybody and that help was coming to take care of him. She held his hand and comforted him while we waited for the ambulance and firetrucks. The nurse showed up and started taking his vitals and asking him more medically based questions that might help us understand what had happened to him.

Luckily, help came within 10 minutes of this accident happening. It was so fast and such a relief. I went back up the slope to join my friends from nursing school and we reported to the firemen that he was alive and okay for the moment. 

Then I guess we just got back in our car and drove away. 

Moments like that are so scary. They happen in slow motion. The entire time you watch something like this happen, you are confused. You can't believe what you're seeing right in front of you, like your eyes are lying to you. You want the moment to stop.

I tried to remain calm the entire time, especially when I got down to the car to see if he was okay. In my mind, I was not calm. I thought for sure I had just witnessed someone die. But he turned out okay, and everything turned out okay when I thought it wouldn't.

Once I got back up the slope and talked to the firemen, I looked around. I saw about 15 people out of their cars, surrounding the scene. 3 of them were on the phone, with what sounded like 911. There were about 5 people still at the bottom of the slope, the accident scene. Traffic was being managed by authorities, and everything was okay. It was amazing to see 20+ people care so much that they would stop and try to be of help. I don't even know, it just made me so grateful. So grateful that people stopped and didn't just keep driving. I guess it just gave me comfort and reminded me that there are still people who truly care in the world.

I had to write down this story down. I pray this man is doing well tonight and that he heals from whatever caused him to lose control of his car. I know it was a medical emergency, I just don't know whether it was a heart attack, a stroke, or something else. But I genuinely pray that he feels the love and concern all of us have for him. Without the people who stopped and called, I honestly don't know if he would still be here. Moments like these remind me that God is just so good.

I made a wrong turn onto this road that led me to this accident, to the man inside of the smoking car. This wrong turn led to an opportunity to help. 

Part of me thinks I didn't make a wrong turn after all. 

plans

"...She turned her cant's into cans and her dreams into plans."

hold tight

This moment impacted me so much, I feel as though I need to share it and write it down so that I never forget it.

For my clinicals this semester, I got assigned to an oncology department. Yesterday I spent 5 hours caring for the patients I was assigned to, but today I can't stop thinking about two of them.

Another nursing student and I were told to do vitals on a ton of different rooms. When we went inside one of them, there was a patient lying in bed just watching TV. We started taking her vitals and asking her how she was doing. She mentioned that she thought me and the other nursing student were sisters and then we all got talking about how I don't even look my real sister. The patient then starting talking about her kids and how all of them were different, and no matter how you raise them or teach them, sometimes they just turn out so different from each other.

Then she asked me the question that would leave me paralyzed for hours. She asked me, "how do you tell your kids you have cancer?".

She then continued talking about how her cancer has just grown out of control and that she knew it was going to kill her.

But how does she tell her kids this? How do you tell your family that no matter how much you want to be with them, you can't anymore? Honestly, how do you grasp the fact that you can't control your body? It's a brutal war between human will and biology.

I just stood there, completely paralyzed. Like what do you say to that? She just started crying and kept saying, "how do I tell them?"

I stood there like a fool. All I could say was that I'm so sorry. Those words felt so weak coming out of my mouth. Words were so futile in that moment.

We finished our vitals while this was happening. She acknowledged that taking her vitals was done so she told us to go on and that she'd let us do our job. But doing vitals in the next room didn't even matter to me.

Yes, my job is to take vitals. That's one of the only things I can do with my limited clinical experience and nursing education. But I felt like my job, at least in this patient's room, was to listen.

I just listened to her cry. I listened to her struggle to find words for how much she wanted to be around for her kids. All I wanted in that moment was to take her cancer away. To take the struggle away and for her to stop hurting. I physically and emotionally couldn't handle her pain. I felt it too.

We left, only leaving her with the meaningless words "let us know if we can do anything for you". We all knew that there was nothing we could do for her, or offer her because it could not even begin to ease the pain.

I don't even know, but in that moment reality hit. It hit way too hard. But I needed it. It made all my stupid problems, stresses, petty drama seem so little in the scope of true reality.

Later, I had the opportunity to hold a patient's hand as she underwent a painful procedure. It was the first time I was able to comfort a patient. It doesn't seem like an important moment but it meant a lot to me that just by me holding her hand, she felt safer and cared for. I felt so valuable.

Those two moments reminded me why I went into this field. I love nursing. I love being a nurse. I love being able to comfort people I've never met by simply holding their hand. I love taking care of someone's mom, dad, friend, child. I love being able to be a part of someone's life, no matter where in their life I'm put; the beginning, the middle, or as of late, the end.

Being around people with cancer puts things into perspective. Is this or that seriously as important as I think it is? Most of the time, no. No matter the outcome of whatever I'm worried about, I will survive. I'll still be able to breathe, I'll still have a heartbeat.

That's what sucks about cancer. It takes all that away from you. People say that pain is weakness leaving the body. But in regards to cancer, part of me believes it's not weakness, but strength. I wish one day there will be a cure and that one day every person suffering from cancer can walk away victorious, with no signs of the evil, life-sucking disease anywhere in their body.

Until then, I'll continue being a nurse because that's what I love.

i'll bring you back to love.

You know how sometimes you lose your vision? Like that goal you've been working so hard for for so long has no longer stayed a focal point in your life?

I lost it. But I got it back, don't worry. I just started the nursing program at my college and wasn't really anticipating how life changing it would be for me. In the few weeks I've spent in the program, I've experienced so many challenges that were somehow intertwined with rewarding experiences. I don't even know, the first week was so intense and it made me question exactly why I wanted to be a nurse.

No joke, on the first day of orientation the faculty told us "these will be the hardest two years of your life". Why do you tell people that? To set them up for failure or to give them fair warning that they will face extreme hardship within the two years they spend learning how to become a nurse? I appreciate the warning, but I accept the challenge.

When I say I lost my vision, I mean I lost myself for a little while. We were bogged down with all the logistics of nursing, nothing but more and more information and little to no clarification as to how to do well. I spent so many days confused. So many days wondering why I had worked my butt off trying to get into this program only to experience doubt. 

Before I got into nursing school, this was my vision: I pictured a little baby; her little hands and body so small she could fit in your hand. You could hear all the beeping from the machines attached to her and see her tiny chest rise and fall laboriously as she tried to breathe out of her premature lungs. As I'm assessing her and making sure she's doing okay, her heart rate drops rapidly and I hear the machine make more noise than it should. But before I even think about it, I stabilize her. Like it was nothing. The machine goes back to it's monotone, rhythmic beeping and she stays alive. And this happens on repeat, day after day, with different babies. 

That was my vision. That my hard work in school and my eventual graduation from nursing school would give me the opportunity to save someone's life. 

But you see, I lost that for a split second. I didn't even know why I wanted to be a nurse because I felt so over saturated with "you're in nursing school now", "it's going to be the hardest two years of your life", "prepare to have mental breakdowns every night", and "pre-reqs were easy, nothing like nursing school". Yes, these are all true. I'm pretty sure I've had at least 5 mental breakdowns in the 2 weeks I've spent so far in the program. 

But sometimes you only focus on these negatives and forget why you wanted to start something in the beginning. 

You forget the part where they say it'll be worth it.

Remembering my dream makes me understand now that it will be worth it. Watching a premature baby who struggled for so long to stay alive finally go home with his family will make this all worth it. 

That's the thing about being a nurse: you really have to focus on the positives. Because you're not always going to have happy endings and the patient you've spent so much time taking care of might not make it. You have to think about all the people you will impact in the future, not about what might happen. Once I realized all my patients will be worth all this ridiculous work, I was passionate about my career choice again. I remembered that nursing will give me the opportunity to serve God's people and make a lasting impression on them. I might be the last person they ever see. I might be the first person to wrap them up and hold them after they are born into this crazy world. 

There are so many opportunities. I know for a fact that God knows who my patients will be and that he's preparing me to care for them. I know this is what God called me to do.

I also know that God is the only one who can get me through this program. I've relied on him for strength, encouragement, and support the past two years doing pre-reqs and I will continue to rely on him for the next two years. And the rest of my life. He's been so faithful to me and blessed me in more ways than I can count. It's humbling because I know I wouldn't be where I am right now without his grace and mercy in my life.

I have so much peace knowing God has a plan for my life and that ultimately, his will for me is perfect. It's so much better than what I could've thought up.

Trust me. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was 10. Coming from the girl who can't board a plane without having panic attacks.

He knows what he's doing ;)

Keep Running

Sooo...I'm in the process of training for a race that's coming up in less than a week. Am I ready? PSSSHT not at all. I'm kind of hoping that I surprise myself when the day comes, because as of right now I'm not sure I'll be able to finish without dying or collapsing.

As crazy as it sounds, this whole "running" situation perfectly reflects what is going on in my life at the moment. You know how when you're a mile into a run and all of a sudden you feel like you can't keep going? Like when the seconds feel like eternities and your blasting music can no longer fuel your energy drive? That's how I've been feeling lately and that's probably why I haven't been blogging in all honesty.

It's so weird. You start off running with so much energy, I personally love the beginning because I feel like I'm flying, like I'm unstoppable. But then you have to start slowing down because you're overcome with a wave of exhaustion. It's almost inevitable. It's the part I dread the most because it takes every fiber of my being to keep going. I have to tell myself things that help me stay focused; I have to give myself a reason to not simply stop and give up.

This semester, I started off SO strong. I felt great. I felt unstoppable, the same way I feel when I start running. But now I'm stuck in between mile 2 and 3. I don't even know why I feel like this. At least when you're running, you know why you feel burned out...like maybe because you're depleting all the energy stores in your body? Yeah, makes sense. But how do you feel burned out in life? How does simply living have the tendency to squeeze the energy out of you and take along with it your motivation and happiness?

Here's why. People can be so mean sometimes. You start feeling disappointed more often. You spend your time building up your self-esteem and your overall view of yourself, only to have 1 comment by another person destroy it. The worst part is that these little comments should not have any affect on us, they don't deserve to. But they do.

I've been spending my time trying to look at the good in people and in the world. And I've found that it has become one of my biggest challenges. Whether it's the comment a worker makes while I'm volunteering or even unexplained silence between two people who used to be friends. You start to feel like you're not worth anything and that you're not human anymore. Like what gives another person the right to treat another person badly? The truth is, nothing does.

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely guilty of treating people badly too. I'm not saying that I'm perfect at all. But it just seems like lately I just can't catch a break. I'll wake up in the morning, excited for the day, only to have someone slam my hopes down. It's just been one thing after another lately. Sometimes people are so focused on furthering themselves that they don't care who they hurt in the process. It's like my feelings don't exist; I'm some robotic being that has absolutely no emotions.

What I'm trying to get at is that people should be treated well. All the time. No one is beneath you or is not worth your kindness. You know why? They're busy running races themselves. You don't even know where they are in their race. They could be at the beginning, just starting their run and feeling like they're on top of the world. They could be at the end, just reaching their victory. And then, they could be in the middle of it, when their legs start to feel ten times heavier, when breathing starts to become harder, and when finishing the race seems impossible. I feel like a majority of people fall into this last category. Some people are tired, hopeless, and simply going through the motions in order to sustain themselves. So just try to treat people well, because you never know where they are. You don't even know the impact a nice gesture could have on them. It could be enough of a push to encourage them to keep going and not give up.

I hit 1.7 miles today on my run and just felt drained. Like all of a sudden I had absolutely no energy. I tried to think about motivational quotes, tried to focus on my music, tried to think of things that would give me motivation. And nothing worked. But then I prayed. Yeah, I actually prayed about finishing my run and not giving up. This was kind of big for me because as of late, I just haven't been relying on God. I had myself convinced that I could take care of myself. But in the last couple of days I've realized that I'm just not strong enough. I'm not capable of being everything.

So I legit prayed while running. I just asked God for strength to continue on. To get me to mile 2 and not let me give up. And I know, you're probably thinking, "yayyyy, you made it to mile 2, big deal." But I know that I didn't make it to mile 2 on my own. I needed help.

Sometimes I forget that I can't do everything. I make myself believe that I alone can make things happen for myself and that I don't need God's help in any of it. But the last few days have shown me just how broken and human I am. I really do need God and I've realized that I am happiest when I'm close to God and walk with Him. I'm just so much happier with Him than I am alone.

He gives me the strength to continue my race and the desire to never give up. I've needed Him so much these last few weeks and all I did was push Him away. But then it hits you like a slap in the face, that He is good and He cares so much more for you than you can imagine. I guess I just forget that. But I don't want to forget anymore. I need His love.

I need Him to help me finish this run. I need him to run beside me and encourage me when I feel like I can't do it anymore. I just need Him. And that's all I really know for sure.

Little Things

So I just came back from Community group and I have so many thoughts and feelings, it's crazy. The message was great, but what I really took out of it and what really affected me was praying with one of girls I helped lead last semester.

I asked her if she had any prayer requests and just what was going on in her life that maybe she needed support on or just wanted to talk about. It was so cool because her prayer requests were literally the same as mine and she was struggling with almost the same things I'm struggling with. It's so relieving to know that you're not the only one going through something and that someone else is also feeling discouraged and disappointed in almost everything.

That brings me to what I wanna bring up. I'm a perfectionist; I strive for 100% in everything and try to act like I have everything in my life together.

REALITY CHECK: I definitely don't have everything together.

I'm literally a mess. Most of the time I can clean it up enough to make it look like I'm completely fine, but there are times where little comments send me over the edge or pop the balloon I've so delicately placed around myself. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells in regards to happiness. Sometimes I feel great, like I know exactly what I'm doing. Other times, not so much. For example, today. I was just walking to my Physiology exam this morning with some friends. As we were walking, we were also discussing the exam material and asking any last minute questions we had. My friend then asked some of the most complicated, irrelevant questions regarding the material. I don't even know why, but I snapped because for a split second I was questioning how well I knew the material and was entirely confused. I just got so angry that I was confused and that I felt like I didn't have a grip on what I was about to take an exam on.

This exam stressed me out so much. Not only is this class known for being one of the hardest classes at my school, it's a pre-requisite for my major. So the pressure's on to get an A. So I had all this pressure on me, I wasn't sleeping at all because I was so nervous, and then my friend asked questions that were SO confusing and way beyond the scope of the class.

I don't know why, I just completely snapped.

I'm not an aggressive person and I don't find pleasure in hurting people. But for 1 second it was like I was no longer myself and let things slip out of my mouth that just weren't right. I've just been feeling like this since the semester started - like one little thing can make or break my day.

I've just been so discouraged lately with almost everything. The thing that's been bothering me the most is just one of my closest relationships. Everything was great a year ago. I knew that I found my best friend. But lately it's just been so hard. I feel like no matter how hard I pray or how hard I try to make things work, I'm fighting an uphill battle. I feel so helpless and even though I'm probably not the only one trying to make an effort, it's how I feel. I feel so alone in how I feel too.

I feel like one of my best friends is now just a stranger to me. Like I just don't connect to her the way I used to. I mean, we used to be inseparable and now we can go a whole week without seeing each other. In my mind, it shouldn't be like that. It bothers me when we go a day without even talking. But the fact that going a day without talking bothers me actually comforts me. Because once it stops bothering you, it means you've become numb. It means that you no longer care.

And I don't ever want to stop caring.

But that's my side, I can't speak for the other side. I just want to have my best friend back - the one I called to come pick me up when my roommate had her boyfriend sleep over, the one who made ridiculous lip sync videos with me at like 2 in the morning, the one who would call me at 9pm to tell me we were spontaneously going to run a 5K at midnight, the one who made me feel like I was the coolest person in the world. Words cannot describe how much I miss being the only one who would know something so personal and feeling like I was so irreplaceable because I was the only one they could talk to about a problem. I miss being the go-to.

So that's what I've been struggling with. Relationships can get way too complicated and I'm so tired of being let down. I want to feel like a irreplaceable again. I want to feel like I can call my best friend no matter what time it is, no matter where we are. I want it all back, but I just don't know how to get it back.

I'm just so discouraged. Things just aren't going how I thought they would. Not only is this friendship on my mind, my acceptance to Nursing School is on my mind. The fact that my dog has cancer and is progressively getting worse is on my mind. The fact that my sister might be going to a different college than me is on my mind. The fact that sometimes me and her are so distant is on my mind. The fact that for once, the only thing that could make me feel good again or not so tense is a drink. The fact that I've almost completely given up on ever finding a guy to share the rest of my life with is on my mind. The fact that half the time I don't even feel good enough for anyone is on my mind. My mind is too loud for me to concentrate on the things that should really matter, you know? I need it to be silent for just a little while so I can go back to who I used to be, find the real me underneath all the pressure, worry, and disappointment.

Relying on the Lord is so tough during these times, but it's really the only thing you can do. Even when you don't feel like a priority or important, you know that God makes you his biggest priority and loves you more than words can say. That gives me comfort tonight. It doesn't silent my mind right now, but it gives me some clarity in the confusion. It's okay to be discouraged sometimes, because it can be used to drive you forward to keep trying. I'm praying that this valley will soon turn into a mountaintop and that all my worries and fears will become part of the past.

Until then, I'm putting my trust in the Lord.

Trust

Trust
n. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

My definition?

Trust: to be able to give your heart to someone you know will protect it; relying on someone to take care of your most vital possession without the fear of them breaking it.

I went to Passion 2013 in Atlanta and absolutely loved Francis Chan's message on trust and faithfulness. A message has never hit me so hard. He was basically preaching everything I was struggling with and gave me the solution to it all in less than an hour. 

Trust and faithfulness have been the 2 things I've struggled with this past year. For me, it was trusting others because I couldn't believe in their faithfulness. It's like, it's so easy for me to trust someone once they've been faithful for a long time, but once they mess up once, I can't trust them at all. Trust is almost all or nothing. You either trust someone or you don't. Because even if you're iffy on whether or not you trust someone, that's not real trust then is it? 

Francis Chan was saying how the only things you can ever trust in this world are God's promises and his faithfulness to the people who love him. No matter what happens between your friends, your family, or even people you rarely talk to, God is the only person you can trust. His promises have remained constant for the past 2000+ years, they haven't wavered in time or been altered to conform to the beliefs of current times. 

This is so comforting to me because days like today make me feel like I can trust no one unless they're my family. Sometimes I feel like I give people so much and I don't get anything back in return. It's like I try too hard to keep things going, but sometimes you can't keep things going without the other people involved helping as well. I don't even know, maybe it's just one of those days or something. Maybe I'm being oversensitive or I'm giving up too easily. I just feel like I'm worth fighting for and I'm so tired of fighting for other people. I'm discouraged because trusting others is getting so hard for me. It's just so hard to trust people when you feel like they aren't faithful to you.

When I say faithful, I don't mean like the marriage type. Like being cheated on. I mean faithfulness in the sense of loyalty to a friendship or relationship. Like seeing that one of your friends is making the same amount of effort to keep your relationship strong as you are. Like trusting that no matter what, your friend will stick up for you no matter the cost. 

But relationships are going to experience lows occasionally and some may even end altogether. It's because we're human. We get jealous, we get mad, we get bitter. We find it hard to forgive and nearly impossible to forget. We're unfailingly imperfect people.

Then Francis Chan brought up unfaithfulness in the sense of marriage or romance. He was saying that if his wife cheated on him, he'd be destroyed. He has been married for more than 10 years and if his wife cheated on him just one time, it's like those 10+ years become tainted. It's like one mistake can destroy 10+ years of trust. He'd feel absolutely helpless and betrayed; he would probably want to seek revenge and make her feel as bad as she made him feel. I can understand completely what that feels like. But then he turned the table and talked about if we cheated on God (which we do ALL the time). He was saying that God would still fight for you. You could go on a cheating spree and God would still want YOU. God's overwhelming love for you overpowers the betrayal, the anger, and the hurt. Cheating on you back doesn't even cross his mind because he loves you way too much to hurt you.

He would never stop fighting for you.

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen is the true definition of trust. No matter what you do to upset God, he will never stop fighting for you and your love. You can have "firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character" of Christ. Because he's never changed. He's been the same all through the ages. He's always been fighting for you and will never stop. 

So that gives me peace tonight. I don't know where some of my most important relationships stand right now in this moment. I don't know if everything in them will be fixed or if things will ever be the same. But I do know that tonight and forever I can put all my trust in Christ, because he is faithful. People fail you and you fail people. You even fail Christ. But the beauty comes from the solid fact that he will never fail you. And that makes me so happy tonight. I can put my faith and my trust in the God I live my life for, the God I know will never leave me, the God who has the best plan for me and my life. 

When you feel like friends stop fighting for you, you just have to remember that God never will. And trust me, that makes you feel a lot better. :)