slow motion

So today I witnessed something absolutely unbelievable.

We were driving on a two lane road, after spending hours delivering Meals on Wheels and making wrong turns left and right with two other nursing students.

Ironically, I made a wrong turn on this two lane road I'm talking about. It was the theme of our afternoon apparently. So we're just driving in our lane, which was separated from the lane going in the opposite direction by a double yellow line. All of a sudden, a car two cars ahead of us in our lane drifts over to the left, crossing the double yellow line. As he crosses the line, he drives head on into oncoming traffic causing the cars to swerve out of the way in multiple directions. As he continues drifting to the left, he eventually crosses over the lane with the oncoming traffic, and into the grass. 

Going full speed.

Then all we saw was this car, going straight down the side of the road on land that was steeply leading to the bottom of a ditch. As we kept driving, eventually the car disappeared. It went straight for the bottom of the ditch, but didn't come out.

I pulled over the first chance I got. I told the nursing student sitting in my passenger seat to call 911, as I grabbed the "emergency pack" I kept in my car and headed for the accident scene. I had to stop oncoming traffic so that I could cross the road to see where the car went. I probably looked absolutely ridiculous but it didn't matter in the moment. A bunch of other cars had witnessed this accident with us so there were about 10 other cars stopped on the side of the road. 

It's hard to describe in words exactly how the accident happened because it's one of those situations you just needed to be there to see in order to completely understand. The ditch he got stuck in was about 15 feet below the road, as the road kind of formed a bridge over a tiny river that went under the road. Like I said, just really hard to explain. All that really matters is that this guy went full speed down a 15 foot steep hill after crossing over into oncoming traffic and came to a complete stop once he hit the bottom of the slope.

As I ran to the scene, one thing hit my senses before anything else. The car was smoking from 15 feet below. 

Some brave souls ran down that slope to make sure the guy was okay. I was hesitant at first due to the smoke, and because I wasn't entirely sure what I needed to prepare myself for.

After about a minute waiting for someone to give us some sort of sign of the condition of the man, I saw one of them give us all a thumbs up. I was talking to a few other people who had stopped about what was going on and we were all so relieved to see this sign of optimism. 

One of the guys who went down to the car called out for a nurse.

Yeah, for real. I didn't know what to do at first. The little nursing student in me wanted to help, but at the same time I didn't know if I was educated enough or skilled enough to even attempt at whatever was going on down there. 

But I said it anyways. "I'm a nursing student. I can help." So the guy waved for me to come down and see what was going on. I was so nervous, I feel like I just tripped down the slope on the way to the car just because my legs were shaking so bad and didn't feel like part of my own body.

Once I got down there, one of the other bystanders said she was a nurse so she came down a little later. Made me feel so much better. 

When I finally made it down the slope (which, let's be real I didn't think I would be able to due to my wobbly legs), I made my way to the driver's side of the car. Another lady was already there, talking to the older man and keeping him oriented. I finally got there and immediately started assessing him and what kind of condition he was in. Going into it, I honestly thought it was going to be gruesome and probably too much for me to handle. But to my surprise, he was okay. 

THIS GUY WAS OKAY.

It took me a few seconds to just understand that despite the accident, this guy was okay. I mean, he was alive, and breathing, and talking, and his heart was beating.

While watching this accident when it was first happened, it appeared as though the driver had fallen asleep, lost consciousness, or had some sort of seizure that caused him to drift to the left and off the road.

But when I saw this man, he was awake. I'm not sure exactly what happened to cause him to drive off the road and into the muddy ditch, whether he lost consciousness, had a heart attack, or had a stroke.

When I assessed him, he was visibly drenched in sweat. He was confused and not orientated to where he was or what had happened. These are all things to be concerned about, but I knew these were things that would be explored further by doctors and nurses when he got to a nearby hospital. But for right now, in my eyes, he was okay.

He was so scared, and so confused, and so shaken. But the lady next to me talked him through everything, told him was okay and that he didn't hurt anybody and that help was coming to take care of him. She held his hand and comforted him while we waited for the ambulance and firetrucks. The nurse showed up and started taking his vitals and asking him more medically based questions that might help us understand what had happened to him.

Luckily, help came within 10 minutes of this accident happening. It was so fast and such a relief. I went back up the slope to join my friends from nursing school and we reported to the firemen that he was alive and okay for the moment. 

Then I guess we just got back in our car and drove away. 

Moments like that are so scary. They happen in slow motion. The entire time you watch something like this happen, you are confused. You can't believe what you're seeing right in front of you, like your eyes are lying to you. You want the moment to stop.

I tried to remain calm the entire time, especially when I got down to the car to see if he was okay. In my mind, I was not calm. I thought for sure I had just witnessed someone die. But he turned out okay, and everything turned out okay when I thought it wouldn't.

Once I got back up the slope and talked to the firemen, I looked around. I saw about 15 people out of their cars, surrounding the scene. 3 of them were on the phone, with what sounded like 911. There were about 5 people still at the bottom of the slope, the accident scene. Traffic was being managed by authorities, and everything was okay. It was amazing to see 20+ people care so much that they would stop and try to be of help. I don't even know, it just made me so grateful. So grateful that people stopped and didn't just keep driving. I guess it just gave me comfort and reminded me that there are still people who truly care in the world.

I had to write down this story down. I pray this man is doing well tonight and that he heals from whatever caused him to lose control of his car. I know it was a medical emergency, I just don't know whether it was a heart attack, a stroke, or something else. But I genuinely pray that he feels the love and concern all of us have for him. Without the people who stopped and called, I honestly don't know if he would still be here. Moments like these remind me that God is just so good.

I made a wrong turn onto this road that led me to this accident, to the man inside of the smoking car. This wrong turn led to an opportunity to help. 

Part of me thinks I didn't make a wrong turn after all. 

plans

"...She turned her cant's into cans and her dreams into plans."

hold tight

This moment impacted me so much, I feel as though I need to share it and write it down so that I never forget it.

For my clinicals this semester, I got assigned to an oncology department. Yesterday I spent 5 hours caring for the patients I was assigned to, but today I can't stop thinking about two of them.

Another nursing student and I were told to do vitals on a ton of different rooms. When we went inside one of them, there was a patient lying in bed just watching TV. We started taking her vitals and asking her how she was doing. She mentioned that she thought me and the other nursing student were sisters and then we all got talking about how I don't even look my real sister. The patient then starting talking about her kids and how all of them were different, and no matter how you raise them or teach them, sometimes they just turn out so different from each other.

Then she asked me the question that would leave me paralyzed for hours. She asked me, "how do you tell your kids you have cancer?".

She then continued talking about how her cancer has just grown out of control and that she knew it was going to kill her.

But how does she tell her kids this? How do you tell your family that no matter how much you want to be with them, you can't anymore? Honestly, how do you grasp the fact that you can't control your body? It's a brutal war between human will and biology.

I just stood there, completely paralyzed. Like what do you say to that? She just started crying and kept saying, "how do I tell them?"

I stood there like a fool. All I could say was that I'm so sorry. Those words felt so weak coming out of my mouth. Words were so futile in that moment.

We finished our vitals while this was happening. She acknowledged that taking her vitals was done so she told us to go on and that she'd let us do our job. But doing vitals in the next room didn't even matter to me.

Yes, my job is to take vitals. That's one of the only things I can do with my limited clinical experience and nursing education. But I felt like my job, at least in this patient's room, was to listen.

I just listened to her cry. I listened to her struggle to find words for how much she wanted to be around for her kids. All I wanted in that moment was to take her cancer away. To take the struggle away and for her to stop hurting. I physically and emotionally couldn't handle her pain. I felt it too.

We left, only leaving her with the meaningless words "let us know if we can do anything for you". We all knew that there was nothing we could do for her, or offer her because it could not even begin to ease the pain.

I don't even know, but in that moment reality hit. It hit way too hard. But I needed it. It made all my stupid problems, stresses, petty drama seem so little in the scope of true reality.

Later, I had the opportunity to hold a patient's hand as she underwent a painful procedure. It was the first time I was able to comfort a patient. It doesn't seem like an important moment but it meant a lot to me that just by me holding her hand, she felt safer and cared for. I felt so valuable.

Those two moments reminded me why I went into this field. I love nursing. I love being a nurse. I love being able to comfort people I've never met by simply holding their hand. I love taking care of someone's mom, dad, friend, child. I love being able to be a part of someone's life, no matter where in their life I'm put; the beginning, the middle, or as of late, the end.

Being around people with cancer puts things into perspective. Is this or that seriously as important as I think it is? Most of the time, no. No matter the outcome of whatever I'm worried about, I will survive. I'll still be able to breathe, I'll still have a heartbeat.

That's what sucks about cancer. It takes all that away from you. People say that pain is weakness leaving the body. But in regards to cancer, part of me believes it's not weakness, but strength. I wish one day there will be a cure and that one day every person suffering from cancer can walk away victorious, with no signs of the evil, life-sucking disease anywhere in their body.

Until then, I'll continue being a nurse because that's what I love.