I lost it. But I got it back, don't worry. I just started the nursing program at my college and wasn't really anticipating how life changing it would be for me. In the few weeks I've spent in the program, I've experienced so many challenges that were somehow intertwined with rewarding experiences. I don't even know, the first week was so intense and it made me question exactly why I wanted to be a nurse.
No joke, on the first day of orientation the faculty told us "these will be the hardest two years of your life". Why do you tell people that? To set them up for failure or to give them fair warning that they will face extreme hardship within the two years they spend learning how to become a nurse? I appreciate the warning, but I accept the challenge.
When I say I lost my vision, I mean I lost myself for a little while. We were bogged down with all the logistics of nursing, nothing but more and more information and little to no clarification as to how to do well. I spent so many days confused. So many days wondering why I had worked my butt off trying to get into this program only to experience doubt.
Before I got into nursing school, this was my vision: I pictured a little baby; her little hands and body so small she could fit in your hand. You could hear all the beeping from the machines attached to her and see her tiny chest rise and fall laboriously as she tried to breathe out of her premature lungs. As I'm assessing her and making sure she's doing okay, her heart rate drops rapidly and I hear the machine make more noise than it should. But before I even think about it, I stabilize her. Like it was nothing. The machine goes back to it's monotone, rhythmic beeping and she stays alive. And this happens on repeat, day after day, with different babies.
That was my vision. That my hard work in school and my eventual graduation from nursing school would give me the opportunity to save someone's life.
But you see, I lost that for a split second. I didn't even know why I wanted to be a nurse because I felt so over saturated with "you're in nursing school now", "it's going to be the hardest two years of your life", "prepare to have mental breakdowns every night", and "pre-reqs were easy, nothing like nursing school". Yes, these are all true. I'm pretty sure I've had at least 5 mental breakdowns in the 2 weeks I've spent so far in the program.
But sometimes you only focus on these negatives and forget why you wanted to start something in the beginning.
You forget the part where they say it'll be worth it.
Remembering my dream makes me understand now that it will be worth it. Watching a premature baby who struggled for so long to stay alive finally go home with his family will make this all worth it.
That's the thing about being a nurse: you really have to focus on the positives. Because you're not always going to have happy endings and the patient you've spent so much time taking care of might not make it. You have to think about all the people you will impact in the future, not about what might happen. Once I realized all my patients will be worth all this ridiculous work, I was passionate about my career choice again. I remembered that nursing will give me the opportunity to serve God's people and make a lasting impression on them. I might be the last person they ever see. I might be the first person to wrap them up and hold them after they are born into this crazy world.
There are so many opportunities. I know for a fact that God knows who my patients will be and that he's preparing me to care for them. I know this is what God called me to do.
I also know that God is the only one who can get me through this program. I've relied on him for strength, encouragement, and support the past two years doing pre-reqs and I will continue to rely on him for the next two years. And the rest of my life. He's been so faithful to me and blessed me in more ways than I can count. It's humbling because I know I wouldn't be where I am right now without his grace and mercy in my life.
I have so much peace knowing God has a plan for my life and that ultimately, his will for me is perfect. It's so much better than what I could've thought up.
Trust me. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was 10. Coming from the girl who can't board a plane without having panic attacks.
He knows what he's doing ;)
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