Sometimes I wonder why people want to fall in love. Heartbreak is one of the most devastating types of pain. Crying doesn't help, and sometimes you cry so hard that you make yourself sick. Your eyes burn for hours, and when you go out you feel like everyone around you can see the pain on your face. Laughing hurts you, it pains you to think that your life has to return into its normal routine without this person; the constant text messages, phone calls, butterflies, promises. But how do you cope when it suddenly stops? It's like a part of you dies inside. Like you're missing something you didn't even know you had or even thought you had. This person made you more confident about who you are, your weird habits, and made plans for the future before they could even promise that.
It's not fair. And right now, I feel like the risk of getting heartbroken will steer me away from any relationship for quite a while. I forgot this pain. I forgot how debilitating it is to not have any answers or any reason for being dropped so quickly. Was I not good enough? Was I too good for him? It just leads to a bunch of unhealthy questions.
Now I just want to know: Is love even worth it? Is it worth pursuing if this type of pain is a potential risk?
I just don't know. I've tried so hard, I've put myself out there and have been vulnerable with men who have pursued me. But this time it was different. I actually guarded my heart, or at least tried to. I kept an open mind that this relationship was in such an early stage and that there was a possibility it wouldn't work. I kept it a secret for a while; I was afraid that I'd embarrass myself if it failed so quickly after telling people. Two weeks in, I thought I was in the clear. So I told some of my closest friends because I was so excited. It has been 3 years since my last (and first) relationship and I thought that maybe I had found someone worth dating.
We texted constantly for 3 weeks. We met up twice in between then; one date ran the whole day from early morning into the wee hours of the next morning. I was guarded. I crossed my arms, kept my hands away from open air so that this man wouldn't take them. I wore conservative clothing, so that my intentions weren't unclear. I was serious - I was just looking for my soul mate.
Things became more serious when I let him take my hand. To me, this is a symbol of being interested in someone else. I'm not going to go hold hands with some random guy at the store. That would be weird. He grabbed my hand. On the next date I had with him, he held me and cuddled me on the couch. He talked about the future, about what he wants to do. We talked about our developing relationship. He didn't seem scared, he seemed cautious. But I was glad for his caution, because I was cautious too. But I let my guard down after he took my hand and talked in such a futuristic way, like his future included me.
Then it was like a switch. He just went cold, like his eyes glazed over and no matter what I said, we were done. In an instant, we were erased from the future. Something went so wrong.
I think the worst part about heartbreak is not having answers. What made you go so cold on me? Did you even care about me at all? You don't drop someone like that; you don't lead them on and then pretend like you never knew them. It's cruel, disrespectful, and uncalled for. That's why I'm having such a hard time with this one. I didn't do anything to cause this. It was all him. He readily admits it too. I know in my heart that there's absolutely nothing I can say or do to change his mind, and that's a brutal reality. I cared so deeply for this man. I thrived off of his smile, his spontaneity, his love for Christ. We both were attracted to each other and he readily admitted his feelings for me. The moment I let my guard down, I was ambushed. Blind sighted. I don't even feel human anymore. I feel like my eyes have glazed over too. I'm numb to happiness and all I can do is wonder what even went wrong?
I've been sick all day. The memories of our short lived "thing" run on repeat in my mind. Two days ago, I couldn't fall asleep because thinking about him made me too happy and excited. I never wanted to sleep, because I thought life was better than any dream I could have. Fast forward two days and I still can't sleep. But now it's because I'm hurt, my mind won't stop racing.
What was this thing? Was it anything? I feel humiliated. I dread the moment I have to tell all my friends that the relationship I thought I'd be in soon will never happen. Just a fluke, I guess. Maybe it was a dream and never truly existed. I thought it was too good to be true, and maybe I was right. I hate feeling this low, and I know it's not my fault. It's his. He led me on, lied to me, then dumped me like he had no respect for me as a human being.
I can't even handle it. In the past 24 hours, I've managed to go through all the stages of grief, one by one. Each has been painful in its own way. My eyes hurt, my heart hurts. No words bring me comfort, and his silence drives the dagger deeper and deeper into my back.
I'm just hurt, and I guess that's the only thing I know for sure right now.
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